I wish I was better at keeping the promises I make to myself!
I have been reading Gretchen Rubin’s book ‘Better Than Before’ and she sheds a little light on why this may be hard for me.
She discusses a new way that people may be different namely ‘The Four Tendencies’.
The Tendencies describe how people deal with expectations. She suggests we face two kinds of expectations – external expectations e.g. work deadlines and inner expectations i.e. promises we have made to ourselves e.g. keep New Year Resolutions.
She identifies 4 distinct groups of people:
- Upholders respond readily to both external and internal expectations
- Questioners question all expectations and will meet an expectation only if they believe it is justified
- Obligers respond readily to outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations
- Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike
As I was reading her more detailed definitions I realised to my annoyance that I am an ‘Obliger’.
Obligers find it difficult to form habits because habits are often for our own benefit. Ah ha! I said to myself that is why I find it hard to keep my promise to get up at 5am each day and why I find it so hard to write a blog every Tuesday. These were promises I made for myself and I am not accountable to anyone on them.
As I read on I became more and more angry – I don’t want to be an Obliger I want to be a Questioner. I want to question everything but when decided I do want to keep the promises I make to myself. I want to be able to say ‘no’ to others. Apparently this anger is quite common for Obligers!
I am resolved to change things.. but then again how can I if this resolve is just a promise to myself!
Well hard it might be but I am going to give it a go!
So watch out world – if I say ‘no’ to your request please understand I am just trying to find some space to please myself!
